So she gave up her crown to a kid with a crutch.

directory | credits | interview

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

( lucky to have been where I have been. )

Miers joins GQ staff, remains married while doing so.

( Interview with Vogue, February 2009: The Nanny Diaries )

I have never been one for cliff jumping but I feel as though my heart is in my throat after yesterday. We went to the museum and he essentially asked me to move in with him. We already live together, yes, but not like that. I've quit, as well. He's no longer paying me for what I do. I often thought of the day when I would be replaced by his significant other but I didn't think I would be replacing myself. I took this job because it would get me closer to what I wanted. I wanted to go from nanny to secretary to personal assistant and up and up until my place of birth stopped me from going any higher. But I love that little girl so damn much; even if I wasn't in love with her father, moving onwards and upwards would be a terribly difficult thing. Maybe my mistakes happened at the beginning, when I interviewed for this job, when I let Maddie into my heart, before I ever cast a glance at her father. Maybe I shouldn't have kissed him, shouldn't have fallen in love with him. I didn't want to feel this way, ever, because it would do exactly what it's done, it would ruin my focus, my career. Love was never something I wanted, I never wanted to need someone. I was fine on my own. I've always been fine on my own. I never saw myself as a wife, as a mother. I was going to be more than that, more important than that. But having Madison around, knowing Gregory, I realize there's nothing more important than that. I'm young. I'm so fucking young, I'm young enough to be his daughter, and I have everything ahead of me. But I want to do this. I want to be as much of a mother as I can be to Madison. Because I know what it's like to lose a mother, and I can't let her feel that twice.
I knew I would learn from Gregory. How to balance a career and a family, how to manipulate, how to never back down, how to intimidate. I didn't think I would learn what I have, I didn't think he would teach me that love doesn't stop even after death, that there's nothing more important than the relationship between a parent and a child...When my mother killed herself, I thought it was horribly selfish, and that she couldn't possibly love me or my sister if she would take her own life. But she did. And Gregory has made me understand that.
I'm so utterly terrified. Because I love him. The traits I would cite if someone asked me would not appear to be especially lovable, and it's not like I love him in spite of the anger, of the frustration, in spite of his constant smugness, of his priorities, however skewed they may be in the eyes of others. I love him because of it. I love him because he kicks me out of bed. Because I know why he does it.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I'm part of a family. Now that I feel this, I don't think I can let it go.

who Avegory
what job opportunities
where Natural History Museum, Wash. DC
when Sunday

( if you won't let me fall for you )

I can honestly say that right now I've no idea what I'm doing. I did not expect, four years ago, that I would end up in this position. What position, you might ask? I have no idea what position....I thought I might take the opportunity to spill my guts and write down every thought and feeling that came with this turn of events but I can't. I thought if I wrote it down it would make more sense. But honestly, I don't know if I want it to make sense. I don't know anything when it comes to this. Does it mean anything? Does it mean nothing? What do I want it to mean? Am I glad it happened? Ugh, at the time, yes. I needed it. I think I just don't want to think about it too much lest I lull myself into a false sense of security or give myself unrealistic expectations. The only thing that simply cannot happen is me losing my job. I have spent my money on keeping up appearances and if this goes public, I will probably never get another job in personal childcare, and I will have nowhere to live. And I won't be able to take care of that sweet little girl anymore. So me being fired? It simply cannot happen. He was sweet but he was still himself and I wanted him, I wanted him so badly, and it was good, it was sort of awful at first but then it was good. I just don't know what to do now. I don't know what I want. I just can't get fired. I cannot get fired.
We're going to see Coraline this weekend. I remember reading the book to a girl I was taking care of in England and she was slightly terrified at parts but we got through them. And anyway, having a father like she does, no doubt Maddie's more afraid for the monsters under the bed than of them. That said, I really enjoy most of Neil Gaiman's work, despite them usually being horrifying so. Hopefully we'll enjoy it? On the family front, I've managed to avoid my sister (hope you're not reading this, Annegret) and also Gregory's brother for the most part. Though he'll probably invade the house at some point. Which I'm not really looking forward to.
Maddie asked me today why I was smiling and I said it was because I saw a rainbow (why? because I'm stupid. Because I'm really, really stupid) and we had to get out of the car and look. And after about fifteen minutes Maddie turns to me and tells me that it's impossible because rainbows need water vapor and it was a supremely dry day out. So then I'm sure she assumed I was on hallucinogens or maybe not since she's eight.
My head might explode this week, just to let everyone know. The combined ridiculousness of my life may reach critical mass.
Don't worry, I'm overreacting.

who Avery & Greg
where home
when Wednesday afternoon
what snow day

( once at the senate podium )

who Greg & Avery
what Sleepy kids
where Home
when Sunday night
( cocaine cowboys )