InsaneJournal

I can honestly say that right now I've no idea what I'm doing. I did not expect, four years ago, that I would end up in this position. What position, you might ask? I have no idea what position....I thought I might take the opportunity to spill my guts and write down every thought and feeling that came with this turn of events but I can't. I thought if I wrote it down it would make more sense. But honestly, I don't know if I want it to make sense. I don't know anything when it comes to this. Does it mean anything? Does it mean nothing? What do I want it to mean? Am I glad it happened? Ugh, at the time, yes. I needed it. I think I just don't want to think about it too much lest I lull myself into a false sense of security or give myself unrealistic expectations. The only thing that simply cannot happen is me losing my job. I have spent my money on keeping up appearances and if this goes public, I will probably never get another job in personal childcare, and I will have nowhere to live. And I won't be able to take care of that sweet little girl anymore. So me being fired? It simply cannot happen. He was sweet but he was still himself and I wanted him, I wanted him so badly, and it was good, it was sort of awful at first but then it was good. I just don't know what to do now. I don't know what I want. I just can't get fired. I cannot get fired.
We're going to see Coraline this weekend. I remember reading the book to a girl I was taking care of in England and she was slightly terrified at parts but we got through them. And anyway, having a father like she does, no doubt Maddie's more afraid for the monsters under the bed than of them. That said, I really enjoy most of Neil Gaiman's work, despite them usually being horrifying so. Hopefully we'll enjoy it? On the family front, I've managed to avoid my sister (hope you're not reading this, Annegret) and also Gregory's brother for the most part. Though he'll probably invade the house at some point. Which I'm not really looking forward to.
Maddie asked me today why I was smiling and I said it was because I saw a rainbow (why? because I'm stupid. Because I'm really, really stupid) and we had to get out of the car and look. And after about fifteen minutes Maddie turns to me and tells me that it's impossible because rainbows need water vapor and it was a supremely dry day out. So then I'm sure she assumed I was on hallucinogens or maybe not since she's eight.
My head might explode this week, just to let everyone know. The combined ridiculousness of my life may reach critical mass.
Don't worry, I'm overreacting.